Perfectionism vs. Excellence

Shame and low self-esteem drive perfectionism. It is motivated by an attempt to win the love, acceptance, and approval of others. Because perfectionism is derived from the belief that “No matter what I attempt to do, it’s never good enough,” while simultaneously believing, “If I’m good enough, I will be worthy of love,” it becomes the ultimate no-win situation.

These conflicting beliefs create a huge catch-twenty-two—you never reach the standard you’re striving for, but unless you reach it, you’re not really acceptable and worthy of being fully loved.

The need for control, perfectionism, anxiety, and procrastination are connected. Those issues have the same root of powerlessness over life’s circumstances—past or present. Perfectionists feel entirely out of control of the events that have shaped them. To feel in control, they try to manipulate everything aroundthem—people and things—instead of things withinthem. They avoid processing their feelings about the circumstances of life by staying busy and focused on the next task they want to complete.

Perfectionists may appear to have it all together and be incredibly productive in life, but their relationships may suffer if they’re not emotionally connected to their hearts.

Subconscious beliefs related to perfectionism:

● I’m a loser if I can’t be perfect.

● It’s unacceptable to make a mistake.

● I’ll be rejected if I fail.

● I only have real value if I’m successful.

● I only attempt to do something if I can do it perfectly.

● I should give up if I fail or have a setback in my effort to change.

● If I can’t do it right the first time, why do it at all?

● I’ll never be able to grow and change, so why try?

Our beliefs will dictate how we think and our thinking dictates how we feel and act. Given that truth, if you believe lies, what naturally transpires in your thoughts? How do you feel? What actions result?

Perfectionism keeps us from being present. We’re so focused on everything around us that we can’t connect to what is within us. If we don’t connect to our own hearts, it is challenging to communicate in a way that produces relational connection.

Perfectionism can be a reason we fear success. It keeps us from committing to change habitual, unproductive behaviors because we fear being unable to make the change “good enough” or sustain it. We ponder, if I reach my goal, will I be able to continue and maintain that level of achievement?

Perfectionists judge themselves and therefore they judge others which creates a challenge in relationships. Having to live up to the expectations of others creates a dynamic of performance instead of love and acceptance.

While it is absolutely appropriate to pursue excellence, it is important to think about the difference between our motives when we consider the difference. We want to do our best when pursuing excellence, but we feel the need to do what’s right, our self-esteem depends on it, when we pursue perfectionism.

Consider, do you desire to pursue perfection or excellence? You choose and if you want to change, identify the faulty beliefs that you are currently agreeing with. Decide to heal the woundedness that created those beliefs. The quality of your life depends on it!