Love's Silent Killers

At least two obstacles can significantly impact our ability to love ourselves and others. Those two critical factors are the woundedness trauma or abuse has created within us and, secondly, judgment.

One of the results of woundedness is the fear of vulnerability. Fear of rejection and abandonment drive our need to control. These fears manifest in the inability to trust. We do whatever we must to stay “hidden” and safe emotionally. We put up walls. Our self-preservation dramatically affects our ability to give or receive love.

Judgment, whether of ourselves or others, may indicate areas of our hearts needing more profound healing. As innocent children, we unconditionally trust and love. As we experience life’s hardships, we lose our innocence. We question our trust in people and begin to self-protect by creating relational space to stay emotionally safe.

It is natural to judge others when we feel threatened by them or inferior to them. If we can somehow “bring them down” in our minds, it creates a false illusion of feeling better about ourselves.

Our judgment of others is often connected to our judgment of ourselves. If we don’t extend grace to ourselves, we will likely be unable to extend grace to others ( in codependent relationships we tend to extend too much grace).

Authentic love is the answer. Loving and being loved drives out fear, shame, and judgment. Shame is erased when it is exposed and we receive love and acceptance in response. Being open to receiving love from the One who knows our pain and the people we deem safe can fill the void in our lives. If we surrender our hurt and allow love to wash away our shame, we won’t feel the intense need to self-protect.

Embracing love can also keep us from living in addictions. It keeps us from retreating into one of many drugs of choice—alcohol, drugs, work, sex, food, exercise, shopping, gambling, etc. These activities provide a temporary “escape” or a momentary high but can’t fulfill our deepest need to love and be loved.

What faulty beliefs or obstacles keep you from loving yourself? Because the ability to love yourself will impact your potential to love others, it is worth doing the difficult work to answer that question and if necessary, forgive and move beyond negative messages you received about your worth. You are loved, you are valued, you are one of a kind, uniquely you, and the world needs you to not shrink back, but to love and be loved to your full capacity. It will not only change you but also the world around you.