How Full Is Your Cup?

Do you find yourself being short-tempered and needlessly reacting to those you love? If so, read on, friend, I have some good news for you!

Envision a simple coffee cup as a symbol of your soul. At birth, your coffee cup (your “Life Cup”) has holes in the bottom. You are born with the capacity to process emotional events and circumstances. However, as a child, you may or may not have the skills to do so.

In a communicative home, when life experiences get thrown or poured in, the disappointments and sadness are processed and quickly drain out of the bottom of the cup. However, sometimes life gets thrown into our cup in chunks rather than small rocks or pebbles. Events such as trauma, abuse, terminal illness, and sudden loss take their toll on us emotionally. If we grow up in a family dynamic where we haven’t learned or been given permission to talk about our difficult experiences or to share our feelings, we lack the skills to process these events. The magnitude of those issues is too large to be whittled down with limited skills. Instead of breaking down, the chunks fall to the bottom of the cup and obstruct the openings. The pain gets embedded deep within us and bleeds into our present and future.

Life can be relentless. It doesn’t stop coming after us, and circumstances persistently get tossed into our cups. Once the holes begin to be plugged, only the least intense feelings can seep through. Eventually, we walk around balancing a full cup.

Most of us are aware that one drop of liquid is all it takes to overflow an already full cup. Our Life Cup works in the same way. At the point of fullness, even the slightest inconvenience or frustration can cause it to spill over. We either explode, aggressively expressing anger at whoever happens to be near, or we implode, internalizing the offense, which can set in motion destructive self-talk and potential depression. The intensity of the reaction depends upon the circumstance we encounter. It may empty our cup slightly, but it refills to the brim within a few days or weeks as we continue to experience difficult circumstances.

Delving deep into our cup and processing the issues that created the blockage in the first place is the only way to drain its contents effectively. Once the catharsis–-cleansing of the emotions–is complete, we return to having perforations that allow life to flow freely through and resolve the next experience or stress coming our way without it filling our cup.

Emotional intelligence is “the ability to recognize, understand, and deal skillfully with one’s own emotions and the emotions of others (as by regulating one’s emotions or by showing empathy and good judgment in social interactions).”

Addressing the events thrown into our cups instead of living in denial, shame, or anger enables us to be emotionally intelligent and experience healthy interdependent relationships.

You may feel overwhelmed at the thought of diving into your cup of difficult experiences, but know that there is hope! Sharing with a trusted friend, mentor, coach, or pastor can begin your journey to loving yourself and may result in having healthier relationships.

If you’re not ready to trust another human with your heart, I’d encourage you to take a step by beginning to journal. Writing down your thoughts and feelings is a great way to begin to unburden yourself from intrusive thoughts and feelings of disappointment or resentment. And by the way, it’s completely normal to have concern over someone reading what you’ve written. Honor your heart and do whatever is necessary to secure what you’ve written, even if it means hiding it in your closet or locking it in a safe place.