Grief Has a Life of It's Own

How recently have you experienced the loss of someone you loved? Perhaps it was a loved one who battled with cancer for several years, or maybe it was very unexpected and you were left in shock with the news that a close friend died in an accident, from a heart attack, or even through an addiction or suicide.

Every day is a gift and with no guarantee of tomorrow, we are often challenged by the significant change in our lives that can happen at a moment’s notice. Perhaps, like me, you haven’t lost someone in your inner circle recently, but you have dear friends who have faced unexpected widowhood and your heart is to support and encourage them. I know of three men who were young and passed away suddenly within six months, this last year. They all left their dear wives and families without the love and support of a husband, father, and in two of those situations, a grandfather.

Grief is inevitable and can impact our lives in significant ways, and yet we sometimes move on quickly without taking the time we need to process the myriad of feelings that surface. We always have the choice to connect to our pain or deny it, avoid it, and shut down emotionally.

What did you experience and learn about grieving as a child? If the adults around you were “strong” and didn’t cry, express their feelings of loss, or continue to mention the deceased person in conversation, you might not have allowed yourself to process your losses.

Waves of pain can wash over us when a song, a place, or a trinket triggers a memory of a loved one. If you permit yourself to ride those waves, embrace and then express the emotions appropriately, you will move further through the grieving process. However, the grieving process will be derailed if you try to ignore those triggers, shut down emotionally, or escape into an addiction. When choosing to not release the anguish, the result could be further despair, depression, or anger expressed indiscriminately to whoever enters your sphere.

We all experience loss, and we have a choice to grieve. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.[1] The process isn’t linear and it can take months or even years to work through, depending on the level of the loss. Give yourself the freedom to move through the stages at your own pace. The hope is to eventually accept the loss.

When discussing living life with Parkinson's disease, Michael J. Fox states, “Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there’s got to be a way through it.”

Processing your grief and moving toward acceptance will position you for optimal emotional health. Keep in mind that grieving deeply means you had the opportunity to love deeply–the greater the love, the deeper the loss.

It is crucial both to grieve and to keep living. Either extreme of denying your sorrow or allowing it to consume you will keep you living as a Victim or a Survivor instead of a Warrior.

The good news is that we can grieve with hope, knowing we will see our friends and loved ones again. Although our losses may sometimes feel overwhelming, we can find comfort in knowing this isn’t the end. Keeping it in perspective can allow us to continue to move forward and honor those we’ve lost by embracing life and living our lives wholeheartedly, with purpose and intention.